WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous source has just revealed to The Babylon Bee that the Washington Post's journalists all still wet their beds and wear Paw Patrol pajamas, which are for dumb little babies.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location.

U.S. — In a surprising new revelation that was sure to raise eyebrows across the country, a new investigation revealed that, yes, it looks like they're still making LaCroix.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people.

CALEXICO, CA — Venezuelan drug mule-turned-drug lord Gilberto Juarez turned himself in to U.S. federal law enforcement on Thursday so that President Donald Trump would pardon him instead of blowing him up.

CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.