WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Democrats across the country embroiled in vicious infighting, antisemitism, and takeovers of college campuses, Republicans have decided to remedy their impending victory by attacking the First Amendment.

DEATH STAR — Viewers of the Imperial News Network were stunned today, as Mark Hamill joined a Death Star press conference to say what a good job he thinks the Emperor is doing.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After weeks of dealing with unruly and aggravated protestors, a Los Angeles police officer finally felt moments of real joy and euphoria as a line of commie UCLA students charged him with garbage can shields.