GREEN BAY, WI — Local man Bill Green was outed as a literal Nazi when someone overheard him saying in public that we should have some laws and borders.

America woke up this morning to the chilling news that journalist Don Lemon had been arrested by the Department of Justice, sending a terrifying message that if you break the law, you too might also be arrested and face the strong arm of totalitarianism.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise choice to succeed Jerome Powell when his term expired in the spring, President Donald Trump nominated an unknown Spanish economist named Ronaldo Paulino as chairman of the Federal Reserve.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A movie studio with access to the entire collected works of humanity for use in its film adaptations reportedly opted to make yet another Spider-Man movie instead, sources revealed.