WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man known best for taking away the Constitutional rights of Americans spent the morning claiming protection under his Constitutional rights as an American.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The WNBA announced today it would hold a special "Caitlin Clark Punching Bag Night" during an upcoming Indiana Fever home game. The official promotion was reportedly designed to lean into what league executives called "a beloved on-court tradition."

CUETA — The people of Spain were reportedly horrified to see footage of tens of thousands of migrants illegally invading their nation, knowing full well that their country could soon become Minnesota.

SAINT LOUIS, MO — It was officially "go time" on Friday at the home of one local pastor, as he commenced his normal routine of psyching himself up for yet another grueling one-day work week.

MIAMI, FL — After a bit of reflection, local man Dave Christensen decided that perhaps it would be best to pass on this year's Islamic car show.