BEIRUT — As new reports of further devastation continued to filter in after yesterday's shocking incidents of exploding communication devices, Hezbollah leaders had begun to think they shouldn't have purchased large quantities of pagers from Levi Goldbraumstein's Pager Emporium.

LONG ISLAND, NY — The tension of election season reached a new high today with conflicting reports of further attempts on the life of the former president, as Donald Trump dodged a falling piano, a swinging death blade, and a spiked pitfall trap on his way to a campaign rally.

Check it, Fam. You know when you're on the computer and go to a website about skateboarding and are hit with a pop-up about accepting cookies? You're probably not even sure what they are, but you click "Accept" anyway so you can see those sweet 720s.

California Governor Gavin Newsom took a strong stand against anyone enjoying life yesterday, signing a law that prohibits making artificial images in order to make people laugh. Sad!