U.S. — Following the events in Minneapolis this past week, liberals across America are now living under the constant terror of being senselessly shot by the ICE agents they're hitting with cars.

U.S. — A losing football team excitedly announced today it had hired a new head coach, who was just fired from a different losing football team.

U.S. — In a powerful protest against Robert F. Kennedy Junior's caution against drinking alcohol at breakfast, liberals have begun chugging bottles of Everclear at 7 a.m. every single morning.