NEW YORK, NY — Liberals around the country prepared to commemorate the anniversary of October eighth, the day Israel attacked Gaza completely unprovoked.

U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles.

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PARIS — French leaders came up empty-handed on Thursday after spending several days searching for someone in the rioting mob to surrender to.

FRAMINGHAM, MA — In a surprising twist on a popular home décor motif, the home furnishing retail chain HomeGoods was now selling signs that read, "Live, Laugh, Strangle Your Kids If You're Sad, Love."

U.S. — Following the suggestion that Los Angeles or San Diego could be destroyed, the nation pleaded with the Republic of Iran to definitely not bomb L.A., especially not Dodger Stadium at 5 PM on Wednesday, October 14.